Beye Elementary School PTO

The rising price of fossil fuels has incited researchers and think tanks to investigate not just alternative forms of transportation but alternates to alternative forms of transportation, like hitchhiking, trainhopping, carhopping, nuclear powered Segways, methane fueled roller blades, and solar powered out of body experiences like teleportation, and astral excursion.

These forms of transportation have great potential, especially astral excursions. I understand in the first class cabin of an ancestral excursion you get free wine coolers that supposedly increase your risk of immortality. Unfortunately, the public still cannot access these sorts of transportation because they still need approval from the Department of Transportation. Some even require the Federal Drug Administration’s sanction because they include the use of mind-altering substances to induce “tripping”, another alternate-alternative method of transportation that requires no fossil fuels.

For those who desire a form of alternate-alternative transportation unregulated by the government, I suggest the kind I use: commuter paddling.

Commuter paddling is simple. You thrust a canoe paddle into the air and push against the medium of the atmosphere thereby thrusting yourself forward, propelling yourself along at a “goodly clip” as Dr. Johnson used to say. According to Boswell, whenever Dr. Johnson got a haircut, he would tell the barber, “Give me a goodly clip.”

I use a Clement canoe paddle with a T-grip made in Quebec, but any paddle can suffice: whitewater canoe paddles, touring canoe paddles, Greek fraternity paddles, domination spanking paddles. Use a kayak paddle to crank up your speed. If you lack a paddle, a large spatula will suffice. If a spatula is unavailable, take a 2×4 and push it into the sidewalk and punt yourself along like a Cajun in a pirogue.

Paddling has its skeptics, especially among government transportation experts. They say it seems no better than walking.

However, commuter paddling has many advantages over walking. Walking becomes boring after a while. You put one foot in front of the other. It’s endless monotony. To make it interesting you must occupy yourself with something, such as smoking a cigarette or screaming inanity at passing drivers.

You rarely become bored when commuter paddling. It requires too much concentration. For example, to stop yourself when walking, you just quit moving your legs. To stop yourself while commuter paddling you must paddle backwards, bringing your momentum to a slow stop. The quicker you must stop the faster and harder you must back paddle. Therefore, you need to anticipate a stop, or you’ll proceed right past a street corner and get run over by a Prius.

You must also pay attention to the wind, for it can affect your progress. Paddling in a head wind slows you down, and you must increase the rate of your stroke; whereas, paddling in a crosswind forces you to paddle in a diagonal line to maintain your course.

So you don’t need to wait on the Department of Transportation to to do something about our reliance on fossil fuels. Get out a paddle and stroke, stroke, stroke it! Whale that air! Make the troposphere get jiggy, and we can end our dependence on fossil fuels.